15 Foods that Could Survive the Apocalypse

December 12, 2012 is right around the corner. If the coaxial rotation of the Earth does happen to shift, it’ll probably be tough to get to the supermarket. My advice: start stocking up on these 15 types of “apocalypse proof”  survival food now, just in case.

1. Spam

Despite looking like a slimy pink mutant in a can, SPAM has all of the ingredients you need to stay alive — calories, protein and water content. And with 33% of the average man’s daily sodium allowance in each can, it’ll be a cold day in hell before the “meat” spoils.

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2. Honey

Ancient Egyptian pharaohs were sometimes sealed in their tombs along with jars of honey, to be eaten as part of their afterlife breakfast.  Most of that honey is still fit to be eaten to this day.  Plus, it can be turned into mead and every apocalyptist knows you need some sort of liquor WTSHTF.
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3. Jell-O

Bill Cosby had it right all along; Jello-O is a must have item. You see, gelatine (the main ingredient) is made from the ‘nasty bits’ left over when slaughtering cows and pigs… hides and bones mostly. Those nasty bits happen to have a long shelf life, which is a very good thing when there’s no more McDonald’s.

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4. Twinkies

The myth holds that Twinkies never go bad, that they’re fluffed up with embalming fluid, that they will be the ONLY food after WW3. The truth is that the Twinkie goes bad after 25 days, so buy a month’s supply on December 11th.

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5. Processed Cheese

Did you know those slices of “American cheese” are only 51% actual cheese? The other half are all kinds of fun chemicals, oils and preservatives that aren’t likely to disintegrate, even during nuclear winter.

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6. Canned Foods

Meat, veggies and fish can all be bought already crammed in a metal container and made to last. On average, they’ll last you anywhere from 2 to 5 years, with acidic foods (i.e. tomatoes) expiring sooner.

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7. Beef Jerky

South America’s Quechua population used to scorch meat to make it last longer. Thus, jerky was born. Since jerky is high on protein and doesn’t need to be refrigerated, it’s a perfect item to have for when the electric infrastructure collapses.

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8. MRE (Meals Ready to Eat)

MREs don’t taste even close to good, but they last forever (5 to 10 years) and don’t need to be cooked. Just open, eat, and keep the barf bag close by.

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9. Hard Grains & Beans

Beans are edible 10+ years after they form, and hard grains stay good for up to 12 years. The trick is to keep them in a cool area and, if possible, to starve that area of oxygen. An air sealed bag kept in the basement would be perfect.

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10. Freeze Dried Meat

You can be locked in your bomb shelter for two decades, and your freeze dried meat will still be edible. But don’t forget the potable water; since 97% of the meat’s water is removed during the freeze drying process you’ll need to rehydrate it before cooking.

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11. Dehydrated smashed potatoes

Potatoes have been a main staple of the human diet for practically forever, and as long as they’re kept dry, smash potatoes can be kept almost indefinitely. The Incas were onto something hundreds of years ago when they would freeze potatoes on a mountain, then stamp on them to squirt the water out, making them smaller, light and easy to use. Just add water.

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12. Pizza mix

It’s easy to store, and all you need to do is add water, tomato sauce and cheese. Admittedly, it’s not as easy as ringing Domino’s or Pizza Hut, but they didn’t do too well during the zombie attack; not even armed with pizza cutters. Still, no need for a freezer, and it actually tastes pretty good. As long as I don’t cook it.

13. Tang

An easy way to spice up rain-water and give it some colour, if nuclear fallout hasn’t done it already, is to add some Tang. Pre-nuclear holocaust it has lots of vitamins and orangey flavour, but it may lose some of its goodness after The War. Still, it’ll have plenty of flavour and sugar, and a squirt of sugary energy may be just what you need to run away from the cannibals.

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14. Frozen meat

Canned meat is good, fresh meat is better. Or, at least, the freshest you can get, try and keep some livestock in your yard (or whatever you can manage). If you don’t have the room for a herd, try and keep a freezer stocked full of dead animal. A good idea is to keep portion sized amounts in a Ziplock bag or wrapped in clingfilm, to keep them from sticking together.

15. Lentils

Protein, iron, calories, fiber, dietary fiber, Folate, vitamin B1, and minerals, lentils have it all. In the face of zombie attack, nuclear war or meteorite strike, ensure you make lentils one of your staple food sources. They’re so good, even Health Magazine has selected them as one of the five healthiest foods.

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